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Guest Blogs
10 December 2011 - Our first guest blogger is Kath Harbisher*, the singing doula, and one of our trainers
http://thesingingdoula.blogspot.com
Don't Ask Me To Save You
Earlier today I was reading another doula's blog and a post entitled:
"What Not To Ask Your Doula"
Here's the link if you want a peek: The Perinatal Period @Yoruba Doula
But it was the title of this post that resonated most with me.
And I thought to myself:
"What is the one thing that I, as a doula, don't want you to ask me?"
It's easy.
Don't ask me to be your saviour.
You may not even realise that's what you're asking me. I understand that.
When a woman has suffered during birth, had a birth that didn't meet hopes and expectations, felt like birth was something done to her and not that she gave birth, then who wouldn't go looking for a saviour?
It's perfectly reasonable when you think about it. Having spoken with many women, I know that a lot of thoughts around deciding to have a doula go something like this:
Negative birth experience → Fear → Wanting to avoid a repeat experience → Who can make this go away? → Ask around now I'm pregnant again → I need a doula
And I totally understand why women might feel like this.
I get exactly why pregnant women might feel they need a protector, a body guard, a saviour.
It's just that I can't be any of those things because if I am, I put you straight back into the cage you're fighting so hard to escape from.
Let's face it, when most women talk about birth trauma and bad birth experiences, when you dig down to the root of the emotions, more often than not, it's about loss of power and control over your own physical body. It's about having your decisions and choices questioned, ignored and over-ruled. Sometimes it's about things, to which you never consented, being forcibly done to you against your will. It's about being made to feel stupid and insignificant for believing you had choices at all.
It's such a fundamental loss, such a blow to the person we recognise as our 'self' that makes the damage done so far-reaching, long term and completely unexpected.
It can manifest in PND, in PTSD, in panic attacks, fear of having another baby, in fear of birth. It can change who you are forever.
Even so, I cannot be your saviour.
Because I cannot, I will not, be the person to put you back into a cage.
Even if you ask me, I cannot, I will not, take over and disempower you just as you were disempowered before by others.
I will not disrespect you as a human being.
I do have something even better to offer, though.
What I will do is hold out my hand and help you step out of your cage.
What I will do is show you how to become your own advocate, so you can slam that cage door shut with you firmly on the outside.
What I will do is show you how to access the information you need to make your own informed choices.
What I will do is support you in whatever birth choices you make because I know, implicitly, that you want only the best and safest options for you and your child.
What I will do, when you make that leap of faith, is jump right alongside you.
But.......
What I will never do is be your saviour.
* Kath Harbisher is an experienced doula and is a recognised birth doula with Nurturing Birth (NB) and Doula UK. Currently, within NB she is one of the forum’s Womb Wise Women giving on-going support to doulas; within DUK she also helps on the forum and is Co-Regional Representative for the South, West and Mid Wales region. Kath has an extensive and informative website ‘The Doula Effect’, and also blogs on pregnancy and birth related issues as ‘The Singing Doula’. Her primary interest is in women’s legal rights during pregnancy and birth and she is an active member of AIMS (Assoc. for Improvements in the Maternity Services). She also has an interest in perinatal mental health issues, particularly in PND, as she is a PND survivor herself. Kath is a member of her nearest Health Board’s MSLC and sits on a number of other local midwifery, research and affiliated interest groups related to pregnancy and birth. She is also a qualified nurse.
Kath is married, has two grown up children and two young grandsons.
